In which I am a big, huge baby

I left Puerto Rico today.  Or yesterday.  Or whatever day it is/was.  My body is totally confused by the fact that it is noon right now and not 6 am.  I'll write about the trip itself tomorrow or this weekend.  In the meantime, here's some whining for you:

This whole living in Spain thing is fine.  It can be exciting and interesting.  My job is great.  I actually like it, except for the part where I live in a different country than my husband.  And that part is awful.  And really, really not fair.  I know I chose this path and I know I chose this career and I know I am lucky to have a job at all, let alone the job I have in the place I have it.  That said, I would really like to live in the same place as Pete.  Coming back was much, much harder than I anticipated.  I know it will be better once I get back to work and back in the swing of things.  I already have plans for tonight to catch up with my friends.  But in the meantime (and probably at other times) it's just awful.  I've been trying not to cry in public because I hate doing that.  Especially when I'm by myself.  On a plane.    I think it takes away from my savvy traveler persona that I try to project. :)

Travel is always stressful.  I love travel, but I don't love flying.  I hate turbulence.  I hate being herded onto planes with a billion other people.  I hate terrible airport food (and even worse airplane food).  I actually love take off and landing, though.  I love the idea of going somewhere and getting there.  I do love the quiet time that being on a plane gives me, and it shows me that I don't really hate being alone (when I'm not totally alone).

There's a shift that happens when I'm suddenly on my own.  It used to happen when I traveled for work, and I sort of liked it.  I was independent and able to be successful getting myself from one place to another.  I've now flown across the ocean without a travel companion about a dozen times.  I've always gotten where I needed to be, even if that involved a series of planes, trains, busses, and cars that would sometimes make me crazy.  But I don't mind traveling on my own.  I just like it more when the end result is NOT me being on my own.  I like it when the result is visiting people I love or going back home (stay tuned for musings on "home).  Today the result is being on my own without the best companion there is for 33 days (not that I'm counting).  Then, I'll see him for a week again and be back here until November.  Hopefully, he can come in the interim, so I won't be here for three and a half months without interruption.  If he can't, I'm just going to have to put myself to the task of finding cheap European travel, so I at least have something fun to look forward to.

As for now, I'm trying to remind myself how much better it gets ... and how much easier it will be this time than when I arrived in April.  And I'm counting down those 33 days.

The Good, the Bad, and the Really, Really Sad

I'm going to start with the Really Really Sad since that's where I'm at right now.  My cat Sophie, as many of you know, has chronic kidney failure.  We've been managing pretty well for almost 2 years now.  Recently she had a kidney infection, and while she seemed to be getting better, the week or so before I left she started to seem a little off.  But, you know, she's a cat so I figured that cats are sometimes sleepy, etc.  So I didn't do anything about it.  Apparently, since I left, things have gotten worse and Pete had to take her into the vet today.  I guess her numbers are through the roof (not good) and she had a lot of constipation (also a sign of kidney failure).  So, the vet's keeping her for the weekend, and if she gets to come home she has to have daily fluid injections.  Overall, it's sad news.  I hate that Pete has to deal with this by himself.  I hate that I didn't do anything about it before I left.  I hate that Sophie is dealing with this.  I hate that I'm not there.  It's hard, and it's not fair.  I had a feeling something was up with her ... We do have a great vet, which I'm happy about, but this is really tough.  Your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated (which I know might sound silly), but Pete and I are really attached to her.  Especially me.  And if you've met her, you know she's a great cat.  It's awful that there's nothing I can do about it and that I can't be there to help her feel better.

In less dramatic news, I managed to give myself big blisters yesterday walking up the hill in my conference shoes, so today wasn't super comfortable.

The good (which honestly seemed way better before the Sophie Issue) is that I had dinner with a girl who is from this area.  She's a friend of the girl who was teaching me Basque in Chicago.  She's really nice and lived in Chicago for two years, so it was really nice to reminisce with someone who's lived in Chicago.  She seemed really friendly and I hope we can be friends in real life.  I need to try to head to bed now, but hopefully a more substantive (and less sad) post will happen tomorrow.

Ugh

In case my recent posts were a little too roses, sunshine and love for you, I just got hit with a 30 minute bout of homesickness.  I HATE being homesick.  My typical cure for homesickness is a warm shower and pajama time, and it worked tonight.  And I'm sure it'll work again next time it strikes.  But it blows.

As great as my job is (and honestly, if I felt comfortable blogging extensively about work there would be several long "Oh my God I am so ridiculously lucky" entries about how great this job is going to be and how great the people I'm working with are) ... as great as it is, it is not great to be across the ocean from my husband, my cat, my friends.  Skype is great and Google voice is a miracle.  Both of those things are true.  This town is so unbelievably beautiful.  It's easy to get around and I'm meeting people both in and out of work.  I know things will get better, but the thing that probably won't be better is being away from my life.  Being away from Pete and Sophie is probably going to be the worst part of this.  And that sucks.  That said, I'd rather be homesick than have a terrible job and be homesick or be in a terrible place and be homesick.  So, I'll survive.  And just count down the days 'til I get to see Peter.

The whirlwind continues ...

So I had rough patches and great patches for the rest of the day.  I felt really lonely and hopeless for an hour.  Then I unpacked everything (easy when you bring all your stuff with you) including the kitchen.  I made the bed and it's starting to look like a real place in here.  I still have a lot to figure out, but I can see glimpses of life a day from now, a week from now, a month from now in this place.  I'm still sad to be without Pete and Sophie, but I got to see Pete today via Skype and I just got to catch up with my friend Kristin on Skype too.  It's crazy to be able to see people who are so far away - it makes the distance easier, I think.

The best part of the day, though, happened when the sun came out.  Around that time I decided to leave my room in search of food.  So I went downstairs and talked to the "adminstration" woman, who answered some of my questions and told me I would have to ask the "doorman" how to work the stove later (Look for a post later on the joy of electronic symbols in Europe).  So I took off up the hill and walked around for a bit.  I found my bus stop to work (<5 minute walk!) and wandered around the hills for a bit.  Then I turned back in the opposite direction and realized that I had walked right past a super cute little corner market.  I walked in and everyone was talking and it's clear that this is a neighborhood place.  The selection is pretty decent and I got fixings for dinner tonight and breakfast tomorrow and a bottle of wine to enjoy over the next few days.  I also got some other necessities, though I'll need a trip to a bigger supermarket and a trip to a bigger shop to buy some other things like better sheets and towels.

I walked back to my apartment and noticed, for the first time, the incredible view.  It is unreal how beautiful it is here.  After dropping off my food (and figuring out the stove and oven on my own - sort of), I headed up to the top floor "terrace" which is a gorgeous roof deck with a beautiful view.  I really can't explain how gorgeous it is ... and unfortunately the cord that makes my camera talk to my computer is in Chicago - so photos will have to wait.  I also heard from a couple of people who live here so I may actually get to start making connections with people.  I'm hoping tomorrow is less emotional than this interminable day!

Empezar

I woke up the morning of the 11th with my Spanish "Word of the Day" in my e-mail inbox.  Today's word?  Empezar - to begin, to start.

So, today (yesterday?  I am totally confused by days now) has been a beginning.  I ended up running a trillion errands my last morning in Chicago.  Not my favorite way to spend a day, but I got to hang out with Pete all morning, and then get some snuggles from Sophie before I left.

I've been really emotional for the last 24 hours (okay, let's be honest, I've been really emotional my whole life - the last 24 hours have just been emotion on steroids).  Leaving our house (and Sophie) was pretty rough.  And then I was excited on the way to the airport.  Then I was terrified.  Then I was sad.  Then I was convinced I overpacked (which I did, but I am not planning on shipping anything here as of now, so that's my excuse).  Then I started thinking about really, really leaving.

At the airport I was mostly okay.  One of my suitcases was overweight so we did a little bit of shifting - the lady ended up waving the charge because I was <1kg over.  So she told me I had a window seat, and I asked if the flight was full.  She said, actually, it was quite empty and asked if I wanted a whole row to myself.  So, she got me a whole row (4 seats together) near the back of the uncrowded plane.  So I was excited again.  We dropped off my bags and then I said goodbye to Pete.  Which was also really rough because I'm a weeper.  We didn't hang around for too long - I went through security (and was totally made fun of by the guy who checked my boarding pass - and honestly wanted to punch him in the face).    And then that was it.  The adventure was starting.  I hung around in the airport for a while and then went to my gate.  We boarded about an hour late since the crew wasn't there on time, but I got on the plane and spread out on my four seats.  I watched a movie I rented on my iPad and ate dinner.  I tried to get some sleep (which should have been easy in theory since I was able to lay down across my four seats), but the flight was pretty bumpy.  So not so much sleeping.  I did get a bit of rest though just sort of laying down in the dark for a few hours.  We landed in Madrid only about 20 minutes late.

The Madrid airport is a little confusing, but I eventually made my way to customs and immigration.  I was pretty apprehensive about going through customs since I didn't know what kinds of questions they'd ask since I have my work visa.  Turns out?  No questions.  The guy literally looked at me, looked at my visa, stamped it, and told me to have a nice day.  Then I had to go through security (or maybe I took a train to another terminal?  My brain is a little muddled).  Anyhow.  I made it to security, unloaded my laptop, iPad, shoes, coat, sweater, etc.  I got through the scanner and the lady told me I couldn't have my water bottle (which I dutifully emptied before American security, but refilled in the airport and again on the plane.  And forgot to empty.  So she explained to me (in very rapid Spanish) that I had to go back down the hall past the baggage claim to the toilet to dump it.  Or go back in the hallway and drink the whole thing.  But either way, I had to go back through security with all my stuff.  All my stuff that had ALREADY been cleared.  So I drank half the bottle on my way to the bathroom where I dumped the rest.  Then, I went back to security, where a very sassy security agent told me I had to take my Nook out as well as my laptop and iPad and they all had to be in separate bins (of course they do).  Once again, it was lots of fast Spanish and it's 2 am Chicago time and I haven't slept at all.  So I made it through eventually and found my way to the shopping center.  The good thing about the shopping center is the cart.  The cart big enough to hold my backpack and my other carry on bag, my coat, etc.  And I don't have to haul all my stuff on my shoulders.

I've camped out with an hour of free internet.  I'm hoping my next update will be from San Sebastián!  Unfortunately, I forgot my cord for my camera to connect it to my computer (I'm sure I've forgotten more stuff), so pictures will be a few days away at least!

In other good news, apparently, I can pass a bit for a Spaniard since I've had 3 people come up to me and ask me about things in Spanish - and I got the very fast Spanish at security.  Then they whipped out their perfect English for the tourist family behind me in line.  I came here to work and also to learn, and I guess there's no better way to learn than to dive right in!

Excited and Scared

I found myself inadvertently quoting Sondheim tonight, telling someone that I was "excited.  Well, excited and scared."

Right now, I'm ready to stop counting down toward leaving and to start counting down toward being with Pete again.  I'm excited to start a new adventure, to have new experiences, new projects, and a new set of stories to live.  But I'm scared for those same things, and for leaving my life here behind.  I've been lucky to have a great graduate school experience.  I had a great department, great advisors, great friends, and great family to support me.  More than anything, I have a great husband.

We went to a wedding yesterday, and I was thinking about how when we got married we knew this would be one of our challenges.  I work in a field where it's incredibly hard to get a job, and near impossible to dictate where you end up.  It's a near necessity to do a post-doc somewhere, and since this is a temporary position, it doesn't make sense for Pete to move too.  So that's why we're doing what we're doing.  Knowing that tomorrow is coming isn't going to make things easier.  I'm sure leaving my house and Sophie will be hard ... I know when Pete leaves the airport it will be hard.  But in around 24 hours, I'll be landing in Spain and starting a new, crazy adventure.  There will be good days and bad days, and I'm sure I'll spend a lot of the next few months being excited ... and scared.

I think in the long run, though, this will be good for me (and for us).  Hopefully, this will pay off with better job opportunities for me and some great travel opportunities for Pete and I over the next few months!

I think my next update will likely be in Spain - possibly at the Madrid airport during my layover.  Until then, I'm hoping for easy, safe travels (and alleviation of these cold symptoms I have!!).